Familial blackamail

[lillian13]

 My earlier post got me to thinking about my family dynamics, and why my brother operates on an emotional barter economy.

It's true; you don't ask him for a favor unless 1) he owes you something or 2) you don't mind owing him something later. Period. He will collect. Doing something nice just to do something nice for someone is not in his vocabulary anymore. It used to be, but as he's gotten older (he's 8 years older than me) he's gotten more set in his ways. And I just don't want to deal with it any more. I'm trying to leave that behind.

I was like that. I still can be, though I like to think I've gotten better. I still pat myself on the back when I do something without expecting anything in return. Because that's not how I was raised; in my household we were on a strict quid pro quo basis. I do not remember one instance of my mother and brother doing a spontaneous favor for me (though I'm sure they did, I just can't come up with one right now). If I wanted to get up on the weekend to make it to the SATs (for example) and I overslept, no one would wake me up if it meant they had to go even a little out of their way to do so. Ride to softball practice? Why? Can't you take your bike? (a.k.a., It inconveniences me and I see no payoff.)

It was how my mother saw the world. She used to tell me to make friends based on what they could do for me. I remember being utterly shocked, and her complete surprise at my shock. I'm fond of telling people I was raised by wolves. (It's true.)

As a consequence I grew up learning to never ask for help ("You're a smart girl, you can figure it out on your own!"), never expecting help (without repayment), and having to learn the art of doing things for others without expecting a payoff somewhere down the line. It's a work in progress. 

All this doesn't really excuse my brother and his attitude today. It really stirred up some memories and thinky thoughts, which I hope are vaguely coherent.

Comments

[blueraccoon]

Wow. I can't even...wow. My family operated on the belief that family came first, and you should always help out your family because it's just what you *do*. No favors required in turn, just in order for the family to be happy each person had to succeed, and you just...did what you could to help. (Until we got to tough love and my brother the drug addict but whatever...that's different.)

Your brother, I'm sorry to say, sounds like a jackass. :( I'm glad you're leaving that kind of favor barter economy behind.

[tehomet]

Fascinating. I wonder what happened to your mother (for one) to make her see the world that way? I'm not surprised (and it shows your natural good character) that you were shocked back then. It *is* shocking. It's pretty rare for people to be as overt about their dealings as your mother was on that occasion. Agree it doesn't excuse your brother's shenanigans. No disrespect to your mother or your family, just... O.o

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